8 Songs for People That Hate Christmas Music

image via Flickr, artist Ian T. McFarland

 It's Christmas Eve. You can see the light shining at the end of the tunnel. Only one more day of commercial Christmas music. Soon there will be no more Frosty, no more Rudolph, no more stalker Santa “seeing you when you're sleeping,” and no more holiday date rape based on a pretense of “baby, it's cold outside.” But the distance between you and musical freedom somehow still seems so far away...


If this is you right now, I sympathize. I stopped enjoying Christmas music many years ago. It's sentimental without depth, attempting to manipulate people into a frame of mind that makes it easier to sell things to them. Personally, the holiday season is difficult for me as I work at a place that requires that only Christmas music be played from Thanksgiving until Christmas. That being the case, I'm always looking for alternatives that still satisfy that requirement without annoying me too greatly.


Here is a list I've compiled of songs that are perfect for any cynic's holiday playlist.


1. “Don't Shoot Me Santa” by The Killers


The darkness, humor, and existential sadness of The Killers is much needed during the holidays. This song brings out the scary side of Santa Claus culture among children, namely the fact that some little kids end up on the “naughty” list. Only the consequences are apparently much greater for adults.


2. “Blue Xmas” by Miles Davis


This is one of the most cynical Christmas songs I know. It's basically a long description of everything about the holidays that has become corrupted. It's also Miles Davis, so it's obviously great jazz with or without the lyrics.


3. “Jingle Bells” by The Sex Pistols


This is the best version of “Jingle Bells” ever created. It's completely unpolished and uncontrived; just the Sex Pistols having some fun.


4 and 5. “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” by Fall Out Boy or, alternately, “Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass” by All Time Low.


No Christmas Playlist is complete without a classic emo song about rejection and holiday heartbreak. And no Christmas playlist should have more than one. I recommend choosing between these two. Not only do they encapsulate the collective angst of the 2000s with a bitter aftertaste of “nice guys finish last,” but the choruses have catchy hooks.


6. “White Christmas” by Guns'n'Roses


Much like my Sex Pistols recommendation, this song is a hard rock cover of an old classic. I don't really need to say any more about this one. The fact that it is by Guns'n'Roses should be enough.


7. “Chipmunks Roasting On an Open Fire” by Bob Rivers


To be honest, this one's a little dark even for my taste. It's a parody of “The Christmas Song,” but instead of chestnuts it's the chipmunks being roasted on a spit. The most disturbing thing about it is that you can hear the classic chipmunk voices as they react to being literally burned alive. You've got to really hate Alvin and his friends to enjoy this song. I do not recommend this one for children, unless your kids are really twisted and sadistic.


8. “O Tannenbaum” by Psychostick

This humorous song parodies the style of German industrial rock band Rammstein. The video features the band members attempting to participate in holiday traditions in as metal a manner as humanly possible. It's a perfect Christmas song for metalheads or anyone that wants to headbang out their holiday-induced aggression.


I hope these songs help you get through last hours of the commercial holiday. I also hope that you can find simple joys in your own way, and ignore what the corporations tell you about how you should celebrate. Have a lovely holiday, whatever holiday you recognize.